The Ultimatum Netflix 2022: Marry or Move on review – absolutely terrible

Netflix’s 10-part bin fire gets couples on the verge of marriage to ditch their partners and date someone new. This is reality TV so bad you will pray for the accelerated heat death of the universe

The last programme presented by married couple Nick and Vanessa Lachey (fixtures in the reality TV firmament for the last 10-15 years, for reasons that need not concern us now, or possibly ever) was Love Is Blind

This was (indeed continues to be, until at least 2024, as a fourth and fifth seasons have just been commissioned) a show in which strangers communicate from single “pods” without being able to see each other until various pairs profess themselves in love, become engaged, then meet and get to know one another for a month before actually-factually getting married

I remember the inaugural season vividly. I described it as “absurd, revolting, endearing, toxic and wholesome by turns – and addictive as hell throughout … Crack-meth

I also wondered whether it would be possible to exploit emotional frailties, profane the scared, make the private and precious public and worthless and turn it into voyeuristic ratings bait any more ruthlessly or efficiently

Well, bless my little rhetorical socks – we now have an answer! The answer is “Yes, absolutely”, and it is delivered in the form of The Ultimatum: Marry or Move On

In this 10-part bin fire, the Lacheys introduce us to what is claimed to be six couples, but by my instantly anxious and fevered count, number at least 302, who have in common the fact that one of each pair wants the other to put a ring on it or else call a halt to their relationship

Shit or Get Off the Pot would have been a better title, but, alas, the US still clings in the strangest ways to its Puritan past, so to marry or move on is the decorous choice presented

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